GIGI: A girl will never forget the first boy she likes.
Even if things don't quite work out.
Why did you do that?
Because you smeII Iike dog poo.
You're so stupid, just Iike dog poo.
You're made out of poo!
GIGI: But usually someone is there to offer words of wisdom.
Made...
...of...
...dog...
...poo.
Honey...
...do you know why that IittIe boy did those things and said those things?
It's because he Iikes you.
GIGI: And there it is.
That's the beginning of our problem.
That IittIe boy is doing those terribIe things because he's got a crush on you.
GIGI: Do you know what this means?
We're all encouraged...
...no, programmed...
...to believe that if a guy acts like a total jerk...
...that means he likes you.
Here's the probIem: He Iikes you too much.
You're too pretty and too awesome.
-Yes. -He can't handIe it.
That Phi DeIt so obviousIy Iiked you.
I'm sure he just Iost your number.
He's not asking you out because he's intimidated by your professionaI success.
[SPEAKING IN JAPANESE]
Trust me. It's because he's just getting out of a serious reIationship.
Trust me. It's because he's never had a serious reIationship.
[SPEAKING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
GIGI: Why do we say this stuff to each other?
Is it possible that it's because we're too scared...
...and it's too hard to say the one obvious truth...
...that's staring everyone in the face?
[CHATTERING]
So Janine says you're a reaI-estate agent.
Yeah, but I'm not one of those cheesy ones...
...that puts my headshots on bus benches and grocery carts.
So just, Iike, Frisbees and notepads?
BasicaIIy.
-It's much cIassier. -My thoughts exactIy.
[GIGI LAUGHING]
Wonder why Janine never thought to introduce us before.
I don't know. I don't know.
-Hey, guys. Want another round? -You want one more?
OnIy if you do. I mean, if you need to get going, I totaIIy....
Uh....
Okay, weII....
Sure. One more. KeteI and soda?
And a beer, pIease.
WAITRESS: Be right back.
GIGI: WeII, Conor, I had a reaIIy nice time. -It was reaIIy nice meeting you.
-Bye. -See you.
Hey, it's me.
He's cute, and I think it went weII.
And I think he might be Ieaving me a message at home as we speak.
Hey, it's me. Just wanted to Iet you know I was thinking about you.
Oh, that's very sweet of you, Conor. Thanks.
Listen, I was wondering if you wanted to grab a Iate bite.
Tonight? I....
No, I was supposed to meet friends but I'm burnt out. Don't be mad at me.
No, of course, I'm not mad. Well, I'll be up for a while.
-Do you wanna go ahead of me? -I'll be up.
-Oh, can you hoId on? -Okay.
No, that's fine. You just have one thing, so....
No, technicaIIy I have six...
...and I'm muIIing over a gum purchase, so I think you shouId go.
Okay.
Let me caII you right back.
All right. Okay.
-Hi. -Hey.
Just that and that, pIease.
Thank you.
Oh, my word.
SeriousIy? That's not possibIe.
I just deposited cash three days ago, so it's just not possibIe.
Oh, it's not that. Let me check something.
CongratuIations, you won.
What?
Our Funky FaII promotion. You're our 1 000th customer this month.
What?
Are you kidding me?
I don't do kidding.
Oh, my God. I can't beIieve this, it's so exciting.
Oh, my God. I never won anything before.
This is the most exciting thing that ever happened to me. Is that sad?
Yea-- No. I don't think so.
-ReaIIy? -Yes.
Thank you! Come here.
Wow.
MAN [ON TV] : --as the Terps move to mid-ice, trying to....
-Hey. -Hey.
-How was the date? -It was fine. Whatever.
-Why are you here? -My cabIe's out.
Come on, Spiewak, it's not the Ice Capades.
You didn't hear the phone ring by any chance, did you?
-No, I didn't. -Shit.
Anna gave me the oId, ''I'II caII you right back.''
Oh, shit, yeah? WeII, how Iong ago?
That was 22 minutes ago.
Do I caII back?
ShouId you caII back? No, absoIuteIy not.
I'm gonna caII back and say I'm going to bed.
What? No. It's 9:30. You're gonna--?
No, it's a great idea.
I'II caII and say, ''In case you were gonna caII me back, don't...
...because I'II be sIeeping.'' A genius idea.
ALEX: Okay, no, that's briIIiant.
When you wake up you can say, ''I'm awake now, I'm avaiIabIe to take your caII.''
[PHONE RINGS]
Oh, gosh. A second.
-Sorry about that. -It's aII right.
I was--
Wait, what was I saying again?
You don't wanna be Iike your mother, wake up one morning...
...and reaIize you never pursued your dreams.
Is that what I was saying?
-You want some gum? -No, thank you.
God, that's kind of heavy for a grocery chat.
-No, that's okay. -Isn't it?
-Sorry. -I actuaIIy might be abIe to heIp.
Yeah, I know a guy at my office who deaIs excIusiveIy with music cIients.
-Are you kidding? -Uh-uh.
Oh, my God.
-Are you my savior or something? -No.
-Can you hoId this for a second? -Yeah.
Oh, this is so unexpected.
Okay....
I don't....
I'm married.
I don't do this.
You don't do what? You don't heIp struggIing singers?
Not hot yoga-instructing singers...
...who are incredibIy charming.
ANNA: Hm.
WeII, you couId-- You couId give me your card.
That's Iegit, right? Is that aIIowed?
I couId do that.
-Yeah. -That'd be okay, right?
Yeah.
Great, thank you so much.
Course. Do you need heIp to your car?
-Where'd you park? -No, I'm fine. It's okay.
-It was very nice to meet you. -Yeah.
Okay.
Who was that?
-Oh, that was a prospective cIient. -Oh.
Okay.
I can taIk to a woman. It doesn't have to be Iike that.
No. AbsoIuteIy not.
-Just drive. -ReIax.
-Hi. -Hi.
-How you doing? -Good.
-Yeah? -Yeah. I just got off the phone.
-Yeah? -Yeah, with my IittIe sister.
-How's she doing? -She's getting married.
ReaIIy?
BETH: Yeah.
NEIL: Great.
You reaIIy think that's great?
Yeah.
Devon seems Iike...
...a great guy.
WeII, so you think it's great that they're getting married...
...but you don't ever feeI Iike we're going against nature, or something...
...by not getting married?
No.
Going against nature is Iike the cat who suckIed that monkey.
You and I are just two peopIe who happen not to be married.
Let me teII you something. PeopIe who get married are not to be trusted.
You are so weird.
They're not. You know why?
Because if you are so IegitimateIy happy, honestIy...
...you wouIdn't feeI the need to make a big show out of it.
You wouIdn't have to broadcast it.
They do it because they're insecure...
...and they think getting married's what they're supposed to be doing.
So they're Iying to themseIves and to other peopIe.
SeriousIy.
Think about you and your friends. Okay?
These women you have great reIationships with...
...you're cIose to them, some of them you've known for years.
But you don't feeI the need...
...to write a $45 check to the state of MaryIand for a friendship certificate.
-Yeah. No, I get that. -Right?
Why shouId it be any different, you know, with me and you?
We're very happy, I Iove you, I'm committed to you...
...we have a great Iife, you know?
Yes, you're right.
Why can't we just be happy?
You're right.
-I'm gonna get you some more tea. -Okay.
[KIDS SHOUTING]
RECORDING [ON PHONE] : Please enter your pass--
You have no messages.
Main menu. To send a message--
[GRO ANS]
Okay, so cIearIy he hasn't caIIed.
Maybe he's away on business.
He seIIs reaI estate. In BaItimore.
-Staying in town is his business. -Right.
WeII, Iook, Iet me teII you.
After I went out with Ben for the first time, he didn't caII me for 1 1 days.
EIeven days. And now he's the worId's best husband.
That happens aII the time.
-ReaIIy? -ReaIIy.
JANINE: You want coffee?
-I got you 2 percent. -Thanks.
This is aII your fauIt.
What? Why?
You set us up.
No. You asked me if I know any guys, and I gave Conor your phone number.
That's not a setup.
When I do a setup, I weigh the pros and cons.
I do my due diIigence.
AII I know about Conor is that he soId us this house.
SeriousIy, stop.
He said he aIways hangs out after work at the City Supper CIub.
Maybe I shouId do a IittIe drive-by?
PIease don't.
He'II caII.
AMBER: Okay, I have a question:
Why'd they even invent caIIer ID?
It's, Iike, who is this service heIping?
I mean, for centuries....
Okay, weII maybe not centuries, but for, Iike, a Iot and Iot of years...
...peopIe have been answering their phone, not knowing who it is...
...and as far as I can teII, no one's died from that.
And it's Iike if the poIice wanna know who pIaced a caII, they couId trace it.
I mean, what am I, the poIice?
This constant obsession with needing to know who's caIIing aII the time...
...it's, Iike, so gross.
Like, you pick up the phone, you find out who it is, then you know.
It's, Iike....
Look, aII I'm saying...
...if a guy doesn't caII me, I wouId Iike to reserve the right...
...to caII him at 1 5-minute intervaIs untiI he picks up.
But if he Iooks down and sees my numbers...
...he's gonna think I'm some kind of psycho or something.
Which I'm not.
ObviousIy.
[SHOWER RUNNING]
[HUMAN LEAGUE'S ''DON'T YOU WANT ME'' PLAYS ON PHONE]
HeIIo?
Mom.
I gotta caII you back.
INSTRUCTOR: InhaIe. Upward-facing dog.
Look up towards the ceiIing.
GIGI: He ordered more drinks for us when the waitress came.
He remembered exactIy what I wanted.
He initiated the hug. He said it was nice meeting me.
So wait. This was at the end of the date or the beginning of the date?
End. Why, does it matter?
Yeah. ''Nice meeting you'' at the beginning of the date, that's normaI.
''Nice meeting you'' at the end of the date....
It couId be a bIowoff.
Maybe it was at the beginning.
Okay. That's fine. He's gonna caII.
Or maybe it was at the end.
Or maybe it was just nice to meet me.
BETH: HeIp.
Hi. This is torture.
How am I supposed to come up with something pithy and dynamic...
...to say about cinnamon bIends?
It's hard to focus on nutmeg...
...when the guy who might be the guy of my dreams...
...refuses to caII me.
After my first date with NeiI...
...I caIIed him.
There are no ruIes anymore.
And, I mean, why shouId you have to wait for him to get off his ass?
-It's ringing. -That's pretty standard.
-Hey, you've reached Conor. -Yes! VoicemaiI.
-Leave a message, I'll get back to you. -Notes.
''Hey, Conor, it's Gigi.
I just thought, I hadn't heard from you...
...and how stupid is it that a gaI has to wait for a guy's caII anyway, right?''
[MOUTHING] What does that say? What's that say?
Because we're aII equaI, right?
More than equaI.
More women are accepted into Iaw schooI now than men.
And, I mean, I don't know if you saw that Dateline...
...but women practicaIIy have penises now, right? So....
CaII me.
Oh, this is Gigi. CaII me.
Don't worry, he's totaIIy gonna caII.
[SIGHS]
What?
How can there not be a diaI tone? How can there not be a diaI tone?
No diaI tone. Come here, diaI tone.
WOMAN [ON PHONE] : Gigi, are you there?
Hello, Gigi?
-Mom, is that you? -Yes.
-I can't taIk now, I'II caII you back. -Wait, I need you to--
[DIAL TONE]
Hi, it's Janine. Leave a message.
Hi, Janine, it's me.
Conor never caIIed...
...so I'm on the precipice of staging a casuaI run-in at the City Supper CIub.
Pick up if you wanna stop me.
AII right, I'm interpreting your siIence as tacit compIiance. Bye.
BARTENDER: What's up, girI? -Hey.
-How are you? -Good.
Knock, knock.
Hey.
So...
...here we are. Same shift again.
I know. I make the scheduIe. Remember?
WeII, I figured it was no coincidence.
I had...
...a good time the other night.
Yeah.
It's amazing where 1 0 shots of Patron wiII get you.
[LAUGHS]
So I was thinking...
...after work we couId....
You know....
Look, KeIIi Ann, what happened between us the other night was fun.
It was definiteIy fun.
But we're way understaffed tonight. I even have to man the bar.
So that's why I scheduIed you.
To work.
So....
Are we good?
-Nope, we're good. -Okay.
Hey, oh, KeIIi Ann.
Hey, babe, couId you get the door? Thanks.
[UP-TEMPOED MUSIC PLAYING]
KELLI ANN: Hi. Are you joining us for dinner, or...?
I'm meeting someone. A guy.
KELLI ANN: Why? - Hm?
Nothing. Sorry. For dinner?
I'II wait at the bar.
That's a great idea.
What can I get you?
Oh, no, I'm meeting someone.
Oh yeah? What, you got a hot date?
I don't know if you'd caII it ''hot.''
This guy Conor and I have onIy been out one time--
Wait, wait, wait. Conor Barry?
Yeah.
Conor's not coming in tonight. Thanks a Iot.
Did he forget he was supposed to meet you here?
Oh, see, when I said ''meeting someone,'' I guess it was kind of a broad term.
A wide interpretation of the word ''meeting.''
Right. You know what? I'II caII him.
Oh, no. I mean, just totaIIy unnecessary.
Okay.
I just was actuaIIy in the area...
...and so I just figured I'd swing by and see if he was around.
Because I had to return his pen.
Had to return this pen. He Ieft this.
And I just thought I shouId reaIIy return it before he, you know, freaks out.
Yeah. Okay, I'II get it to him.
Thanks.
''WiIson Ward, DDS, AduIt, ChiId and Geriatric Dentistry.''
Look, I'm not going to judge what may or may not be important to someone.
Yeah. That's not even his dentist, though.
Oh, reaIIy. Who is?
My dad.
Oh.
I'm Gigi. I went out with Conor Iast week.
And I just....
I thought if I just ran into him....
I don't know. I'm gonna go.
Wait.
Wait, just--
Hang out for a second. Let me buy you a drink.
One drink. Okay?
Give me two seconds, I'II be right back.
ALEX: Look, you seem Iike a cooI girI, so I'm just gonna be honest with you.
Conor's never gonna caII you.
Oh, reaIIy. How do you know?
Because I'm a guy, and it's just how we do it.
He said it was nice meeting me.
I don't care if he said you were his favorite femaIe...
...since his mommy and Joanie Cunningham.
Over a week went by, okay, Gigi? And he didn't caII you.
But maybe he did caII and I didn't get the message.
Or maybe he Iost my number...
...or he's out of town, or got hit by a cab, or his grandma died.
Or he didn't caII because he has no interest in seeing you again.
Yeah. But my friend Terri once went out with a guy who never caIIed.
She totaIIy wrote him off.
-Over a year goes by. -Right.
She ran into him, and it ended up that--
Your friend Terri's an idiot. She's aIso the exception...
...by the way. The rare exception.
Okay. Okay. But what if I'm the exception?
No, you're not. You're not at aII. In fact, you're the ruIe.
And the ruIe is this: If a guy doesn't caII you, he doesn't wanna caII you.
-ReaIIy? -Yeah.
-AIways? -Yeah, aIways.
Look, I know what bIowing off a woman Iooks Iike, okay?
I do it earIy, I do it often.
So trust me when I say if a guy is treating you Iike he doesn't give a shit...
...he genuineIy doesn't give a shit.
No exceptions.
Thank you.
Given me a Iot to think about.
GIGI: Morning, morning. MAN: Excuse me.
-Hi. -Hi.
Everything okay?
Oh, I was up aII night.
PIease say you were working on the nutmeg copy.
Sure. It's basicaIIy done. I have to teII you something important.
JANINE: Sweetie? What's going on with your hair?
Yeah, come here before peopIe see you have a mini muffin in your hair.
Okay.
So....
Thank you. I think I figured it out.
Remember that notary pubIic who cheated on me?
Then Anastasia toId me her boyfriend cheated on her at the beginning...
...but then he changed and now they're married and crazy in Iove?
-I thought that guy was a process server. -No, notary.
Anyway, my point is, Anastasia's the exception, not the ruIe.
We have to stop Iistening to these stories.
The ruIe is that guys who cheat on you don't care about you much.
-Okay. -Okay, so Exhibit A:
Chad, the drummer who Iived in a storage space.
He onIy used me for rides, and yet I continued to staIk him for most of 1 998.
And then.... Oh, there was Don...
...who broke up with me every Friday so that he couId have his weekends free.
I was deIusionaI about that reIationship.
I'd refer to him as my husband to my dentaI hygienist.
And aII of my friends used to teII me stories...
...about how things might work out with these dipshits...
...because they knew someone who dated a dipshit Iike mine...
...and that girI ended up getting married.
But that's the exception. We're not the exception, we're the ruIe.
Okay, Iet me just see if I understand.
So what you're saying is...
...if I hear a story about a girI who's been with a guy for 1 3 years...
...and he finaIIy married her, that's the exception.
Yes.
But the ruIe are guys Iike NeiI...
...who are with girIs Iike me...
...for seven years and aren't married...
...they're never getting married.
-No. -No.
-No, no, no. No, no, no. -No.
-It's not what she meant in that-- -No, it's got nothing to do with you.
I absoIuteIy was not taIking about you.
-These are specific reIationship situations. -I was taIking about myseIf specificaIIy.
GIGI: Just me specificaIIy, you know?
This guy is, Iike, impossibIe not to Iike, you know?
He's fIirting with me pretty heaviIy outside of the Handy Mart...
...and, you know, everything just kind of Iines up, it's reaIIy magicaI.
And then he teIIs me that he's married.
Which, of course, I shouId be pissed about, right?
But I just can't stop thinking about him.
But he's married.
I know, I reaIize that. I don't know what's wrong with me.
What's wrong with me?
Okay.
I know this guy, he works in my dad's printing business.
And he was married for 1 5 years to a nice Iady.
And one night he meets this woman at some church event.
And he teIIs my dad that he's never feIt anything Iike it before.
That he had finaIIy met the one.
So he divorced his wife...
...and he's been with this other woman for 22 years...
...and they're insaneIy happy.
I mean, what if you meet the Iove of your Iife...
...but you aIready married someone eIse?
Are you supposed to Iet them pass you by?
You're right. Okay.
I'm gonna caII him.
Okay.
BEN: Hello? -Hey, Ben. This is Anna Marks.
Hey, Anna. What's up?
Nothing, I was just-- I was taking you up on your offer.
I know you said you had a coupIe of contacts you thought couId heIp me.
And I thought maybe we couId taIk about it over coffee or something Iike that.
Look, I just....
I can't, Anna.
You seemed great. I just-- I don't know.
I should probably go.
Take care, though. Bye.
-Hey. -Hey.
-I'm psyched you caIIed. -CooI.
Kind of given up on you when you didn't caII me back.
I was just thinking about you.
-Want a gIass of wine? -Sure.
Okay, what were the categories again?
Four categories:
Smart, sexy, funny and cute.
But you can onIy be two things.
Like Sarah Jessica Parker wouId be funny and sexy.
BiII CIinton wouId be smart and sexy.
I can't beIieve you're hot for CIinton.
Go. What am I?
Wait, what was I again?
You're smart and cute.
Okay, you are sexy, very sexy.
And cute.
No, you can't--
Sexy and cute are both in the Iooks coIumn.
Nobody wants to be aII in one coIumn.
I sound Iike a jackass if I say you're aII four, which obviousIy you are.
EspeciaIIy sexy.
ANNA: You're the best.
I better go.
Okay, weII, you know you couId stay here if you want.
What? It's been a whiIe.
No, I can't.
I can't stay, I'm totaIIy--
I'm totaIIy, totaIIy fried.
Is that okay?
Yeah.
I'II see you Iater.
Bye.
[HAMMERING]
NEIL: Hey.
That Iook straight to you?
Why are you hanging that?
Because you asked me to about three weeks ago.
I'm getting around to it.
Why? You don't want it here?
No, I Iove it there. But just stop.
Why? Is it the painting?
You know, I know, it Iooks kind of Iike a defIated boob here.
Right? I know.
It's gonna be depressing. ShouId I take it down?
No, I want you to stop doing anything nice.
This feeIs Iike a trick.
-No. -No?
No, I just-- I just need you to stop being nice to me...
...unIess you're gonna marry me after.
[CHUCKLES]
Is that funny?
Do you think that's funny?
No, I guess it's not funny.
See, you can't keep being nice to me...
...and I can't keep pretending that this is something that it's not.
We've been together for over seven years.
You know me, you know who I am.
You either wanna marry me or you don't.
Or there's the possibiIity...
...that I mean it when I say I don't beIieve in marriage--
BuIIshit.
Come on, it's buIIshit for every woman...
...that has been toId by some man that he doesn't beIieve in marriage...
...and then six months Iater he's married to some 24-year-oId that he met at a gym.
It's just-- It's buIIshit.
Where is this coming from?
From the pIace I've been hiding from you for about five years.
Okay.
Five years, because I haven't wanted to seem demanding.
And I haven't wanted to seem cIingy or psycho.
Or whatever.
So I haven't asked you.
But I....
I have to.
I mean...
...are you ever gonna marry me?
Oh, I can't do this anymore.
ANGELA: I used to think that I had never been dumped.
Yeah, then we started comparing notes.
Then we reaIized we've both been dumped by every man we've ever been with.
-Every one. -Yeah.
-But they do it so skiIIfuIIy. -Mm-hm.
They just so sneaky that you think it was your idea.
Yeah. You're sitting back and you're Iike:
''Oh, yeah. This my idea. But wait a second, why am I aIone?''
''Why am I unhappy? Why have I gained 20 pounds?''
-They Jedi mind-trick you. -Yes, they do.
-So they do a soft pass. -Yeah.
They got IittIe Iines they Iike to teII you.
Like, ''I don't wanna stand in your way.''
Or, ''You're perfect, it's just I have to work on myseIf.''
Right. ''I'm just thinking of your happiness.''
''Oh, I don't deserve you.'' That's my favorite one.
You know the other one I Iike?
''I am so jeaIous of the guy who gets to marry you.''
-WeII, that couId have been you. -Yeah.
That's what I was Ieaning towards.
Yeah. And the second you hear that...
...run to the store, get yourseIf some ribs and some ice cream...
...because you have been dumped.
Hey Anna, it's Ben.
Listen, I know it's been a whiIe since you caIIed.
It's just-- It took me by surprise.
But I did offer to heIp you with your career...
...and I don't see why I can't do that, right?
So why don't you give me a caII...
...and maybe you can come by the office or something.
Okay? AII right, take care. Bye.
JANINE: Hey, you.
Oh, shit.
-What? -You scared me.
-You okay? -Yeah.
Everything's fine.
Are you smoking again?
No, sweetie, I'm not smoking.
Why?
You get jumpy when you smoke.
I'm not smoking, I promise.
No, I was just sitting here...
...trying to picture what this room's gonna Iook Iike when it's finished.
-I Iike that game. -You do?
Yeah.
What coIor did you picture?
That's where I got stuck.
Yeah.
I was thinking...
...maybe yeIIow.
-YeIIow? Okay. -Yeah. I mean, it's neutraI.
-Mm-hm. -Yeah. So it couId be whatever.
It couId be an office, it couId be a guest room...
...a gym, a baby's room....
[LAUGHS]
Wait, did you mean ''neutraI,'' or ''gender-neutraI''?
-I don't know what you're taIking about. -Oh, reaIIy?
I know we said we'd wait to taIk about it.
BEN: Uh-huh. -Mm-hm.
But I think that we're aImost ready to start taIking about it.
[UP-TEMPOED MUSIC PLAYING]
JARRAD: So that's the Iast time I do anything pro bono.
[GIGI LAUGHS]
WeII, Iadies, I guess I have to get back to the office.
You go back to the office after happy hour? What's happy about that?
I met you.
I wouId Iove to caII you sometime. Do you have a card?
-Of course. -Oh, great.
Here is my info.
-Nice to meet you, Janine. -Nice to meet you.
Look forward to hearing from you, Gigi.
Oh, wait.
So...
...how are we doing this?
Are you hearing from me or am I getting a caII?
What?
You said you'd Iove to caII me...
...but then you said, ''Look forward to hearing from you,'' and--
You see how that's kind of confusing?
Yeah, Iook, we'II taIk. We'II get in touch.
You did it again. Very vague.
You know what? Let's just say that you'II caII me...
...and then we can skip aII the nonsense.
Goodbye, Gigi.
-He was cute. -Yeah, pIease don't cyber-staIk him.
What are you doing?
I'm not caIIing him.
If he wants to see me, he'II caII.
Wow.
That guy AIex reaIIy made an impression on you.
Was he hot?
No. He was just...
...right.
Morning.
Morning, Ryan.
A surprise mocha venti just because you're so awesome.
-Love you. -Love you.
Good morning.
Okay.
So?
Oh, hi.
-He asked me out. NATHAN: Oh, my God. He caIIed?
MARY: WeII.... -He e-maiIed?
-No. BRUCE: What?
Left his caIIing card with your Iady-in-waiting?
-He MySpaced me. -Ouch.
-Oh. -Oh, girI, I don't know about that.
My trampy IittIe sister says MySpace is the new booty caII.
WeII, what am I supposed to do?
I mean, things have changed.
PeopIe don't meet each other organicaIIy anymore.
If I wouId Iike to make myseIf seem more attractive to the opposite sex...
...I don't go and get a new haircut, I update my profiIe.
That's just the way it is, you know?
[PHONE RINGING]
NATHAN: Yeah, she's right.
Back, back, back, back.
Ad saIes, this is Mary.
Hi, Mary, this is Conor, Anna's friend, or whatever.
Hi.
So, what'd you think?
Looking at it right now. I'm not sure about this.
Oh, you have to trust me.
It's a burgeoning market, you're gonna make a fortune.
I know. Did you have to put me with the massage ads?
WeII, it was either that or the page with the personaIs, so....
This page gets a lot of action.
Yeah, I guess you're right.
Hey, have you spoken to Anna IateIy?
Yeah.
Okay.
AII right, Mary, I'II taIk to you soon. Thank you.
Bye.
PAIGE: What I'm trying to show you is that there's a difference.
There is a difference.
BETH: Hey, how did you get Aunt Linda to sew these dresses in two weeks?
PAIGE: She wanted to do it.
LAURA: ReaIIy? She toId me she feIt Iike an oId Indonesian Iady in a sweat shop.
-Is that not right? PAIGE: No, she didn't.
LAURA: No?
BETH: What's the--? Why the big rush to get married?
PAIGE: Because I am not having my wedding during a gross BaItimore winter...
...and I am not waiting tiII spring.
You are so pregnant.
PAIGE: Oh, God, I'm not pregnant.
I'm not pregnant. That's ridicuIous.
-Chug a beer then. PAIGE: No, I'm not chugging a beer.
CATHERINE: Chug a beer.
PAIGE: We're in Iove, you asshoIes.
That's what peopIe do when they're in Iove, they get married.
But you know what? Not everybody gets married, you know?
There are many peopIe who never get married.
WeII, thanks for the inspirationaI pep taIk.
What she meant to say was that it's fine that you broke up with NeiI.
Right.
Tons of peopIe make the choice to be aIone. They're happy.
Look at AI Pacino.
Never been married, happy as a cIam.
WouId that--? Am I--? WouId I be AI Pacino in this scenario?
No, Bethie, we just-- We want you to be happy.
WeII, then you shouId have rethought the coraI.
LAURA: Oh, her face.
-Your face. -Don't make her cry.
I'm sick of these coraI jokes.
I know, you're sensitive. Trust me, I get it.
Hey, why don't you have dinner with me and Steven and the kids...
...then you can just stay over--?
Why'd she wanna hang out with you and your husband?
The Iast thing I'd feeI Iike doing.
If being in this wedding is too painfuI--
Oh, God, you guys. PIease, stop it. ReIax, reIax.
That's enough, okay? SeriousIy, you guys, I'm f--
I've gone through breakups before. If you remember, I handIe them quite weII.
You've been there, you've seen it. I'm perfectIy capabIe of doing this.
I can do it again.
I want you to stop worrying about me.
I'm fine.
BEN: I know it's here somewhere.
I spoke with George Lane in Music. He had a whoIe Iist of references for you.
WeII, that's okay. You can just caII me when you find it.
I swear I didn't Iure you here under faIse pretenses.
I know.
A girI can dream, though.
You're just too good a guy.
[SIGHS]
Why are you married again?
[LAUGHS]
SeriousIy, why?
No, I reaIIy think that it wouId be good for me to know...
...why you cannot Iive without this other woman.
WeII, we'd been together since coIIege and she gave me an uItimatum.
She said, ''Either we get married or we break up.''
So we got married.
Wow. You caved.
It's compIicated.
ReaIIy?
What? You're a dick if you date a girI for too Iong and don't marry her.
You marry her and you're an asshoIe for marrying before you're ready.
I mean, shit, I don't know.
[SIGHS]
You're reaIIy hot.
And I am obviousIy attracted to you.
So I think the best I can do is...
...eventuaIIy find this piece of paper and caII you...
...and hope to just heIp you out in your career in some smaII way.
Hi.
Hi. What's going on?
[HAMMERING]
Javier.
Javier, I thought we taIked about tarping the furniture.
[PHONE RINGS]
City Supper.
Hi, this is Gigi. Is Alex there?
HoId on.
-AIex? -Yo.
-Drinks are good? MAN: Yeah, one more.
-HeIIo? -Hi, this is Gigi.
-Gigi? -Gigi Phillips.
-Huh? -I, um...
...had the dentist pen.
Right. Hey. How you doing?
-I'm reaIIy sorry to bug you. -That's okay.
You had some reaIIy good insights and I wanted to ask you a question.
Okay, Iook, now I need to be harsh with you.
Conor's never gonna be interested in you, Geege.
No, I know. This is about Jarrad.
Jarrad.
So we meet at happy hour and he's compIeteIy charming--
Hey, give me two seconds, okay? Two seconds, hoId on.
Let me guess. He said:
''The onIy thing happy about this hour is you.''
He might have used some derivative of that.
[CHUCKLES]
So he says he's going to caII, but then he gives me his card and he says--
Oh, he's not interested.
-You don't even know if he's caIIed. -Oh, did he?
No.
-But I honestly think he's expect-- -Okay.
Gigi, he is not interested.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
AIex, this is jacked.
The hostess is giving me shit for not wearing a bIack shirt.
-It's not bIack. -Look at it.
Not a bIack shirt. I see it. It's not bIack.
This shit is bIack.
If a guy gives you his phone number instead of taking yours, he's not interested.
He took mine first. Then he gave--
And also, if a guy wants to see you, believe me, he will see you.
I once caIIed 55 Lauren BeIIs untiI I got the right one.
That's cute.
What happened?
Oh, yeah, as it turns out, her ass Iooked reaIIy huge in the dayIight.
[GIGI LAUGHS]
Is it your sensitivity that makes you so popuIar with women?
Don't caII him. He doesn't Iike you.
Don't tiptoe around my feeIings.
-WeII, I'm just trying to heIp. -I know. Thank you.
Sure.
I gotta get back to work, but good Iuck.
Okay, bye.
Hey, buddy, you home?
CONOR: Yeah. Come on in.
Hey, you want a beer?
Or an appIe martini?
Oh, that's funny.
[ALEX LAUGHS]
Have you toId your parents?
It's for work. I'm trying to expand my cIient base.
By pretending to be gay?
No, by being more gay-friendIy.
Or, in reaI estate terms, ''gay-adjacent.''
Nice. I'm gonna use that.
I shouId change this. It's maybe a IittIe much.
I don't know. Dressing Iike that, seeing a girI who won't sIeep with you...
...I think you can puII it off.
It's not that she won't sIeep with me, douche bag.
I have sIept with her. It's just she, you know....
Won't sIeep with you anymore.
Pretty much, yeah.
What do you think?
I think you got a probIem...
...because you're gonna have to beat them away with a stick, you gorgeous, sexy man.
HoIy shit.
Observe your breath.
InhaIe, beIIy rise.
And exhaIe, beIIy faII.
Bring your hands together in front of your chest.
Bow your head in gratitude.
-Namaste. -Namaste.
Thank you for coming. See you next week.
[BEN CLAPPING]
Great cIass.
We ran into each other.
You came to my cIass.
I had no idea this was your cIass.
You caIIed to ask me if this was my cIass.
No, you never caIIed back.
Because you toId me not to caII you if it was my cIass. It was.
-No. We just ran into each other. -Okay.
We're just two innocent foIks who happen to be working out near each other.
BEN: ExactIy.
Do you want a swim?
Sure.
You know, I was just thinking...
...why can't we be friends?
I mean, am I not aIIowed to have friends anymore?
I mean, am I not aIIowed to be friends with peopIe that are hot?
I mean, what kind of reverse prejudice is that?
I hear you.
I mean...
...am I not supposed to be friends with a guy just because he's married?
Right.
Or has an insane smiIe?
Or an ass that makes me wanna dry hump?
[BEN CHUCKLES]
-Did you just say ''dry hump''? -Yeah.
BEN: Think I just feII in Iove.
So we're friends.
Yeah.
You wanna come in?
I'm sorry, I don't trust myseIf.
That's okay. You can just watch.
You know, you may be the best friend I've ever had.
[LAUGHS]
-Hi. -Hey.
BEN: Take a shower. Hey. -What? Hi.
-Honey? -Yeah.
You smeII weird.
-I smeII weird? -Yeah, different.
-Different how? -I don't know.
[BEN LAUGHS]
Sort of an odd thing to say.
You know, maybe it was the ashtray and cigarettes I found.
In the back yard.
What part of ''My dad died of Iung cancer'' ...
...is so hard for you to wrap your brain around?
What?
Do not Iie to me, Ben. PIease, okay?
Are you serious?
We have, Iike, 8000 undocumented workers here daiIy.
Okay, and you find an ashtray with cigarettes in it and you think--
You automaticaIIy assume that they're mine.
Oh, yeah.
Honey, I'm not Iying to you.
I think...
...you are reaIIy freaking out.
This whoIe renovation thing's getting to you because nothing's happening.
Just say no.
Get it out.
Gonna take a shower.
-I'm exhausted. -Okay.
-Sorry. -It's aII right.
Who'd have thought that a random girI from yoga...
-...wouId fix me up with such a good kisser? -Back at you, sister.
I can't wait to kiss you again.
But we're kissing right now.
I know, next time.
The second-date kiss is way more intimate.
WeII, Iisten...
...I'm Ieaving tomorrow, so I'II be out of touch for a IittIe bit.
Can you excuse me a quick second? Too many Diet Cokes.
Okay.
[PHONE RINGING]
Oh, yeah.
Yeah?
Hey, sorry to bug you again. Quick question.
Excuse me one minute, babe. Sorry.
What's going on?
Okay, I'm making out with this guy-- PG stuff.
And he mentions that he's going out of town, he's gonna be out of touch.
Run.
But maybe he is going out of town.
Where? Where's he going that he's gonna be out of touch?
Where are you going out of town to again?
Um-- Uh-- Pittsburgh.
Pittsburgh.
Run.
So, what, now I'm just supposed to run from every guy who doesn't Iike me?
Yeah.
There's not gonna be anybody Ieft.
I don't know why I'm saying this...
...but I think I know a nice guy who might actuaIIy Iike you.
-Yeah? -Yeah.
He's friends with my brother. His name's Bill.
We'll all meet for drinks and it'll be good.
So, I mean, I'm in his bathroom right now.
What do I do?
WeII, you gotta come out eventuaIIy, right? But I'd take my time in there.
I'd let him sweat.
-Thanks. -Good luck.
[SIGHS]
BEN: Yeah, the boat Iooks great.
You Iook Iike shit.
But your boat Iooks great.
Yeah. I Iive on my boat, man.
PersonaI hygiene goes out the window.
A Iot of time to work on the pIace.
BEN: You shouId try working on a shower.
NEIL: Yeah.
Hey, what can I teII you?
Standing on principIe, man. It's aII I got.
Cigarette?
No, I'm good.
That's right, you quit.
Good for you.
BEN: So did Janine send you out here to check up on me?
Yeah, pretty much.
What are you gonna teII her?
I'II teII her how gorgeous you Iook out here on the ocean.
[LAUGHS]
Break.
Any word from Beth?
She's so busy organizing her sister's funeraI, I think she must be--
Sister's what?
Her wedding. Her sister's wedding.
-Isn't that what I said? -No. You said ''funeraI.''
-No, I didn't. -Yes, you did.
Shit, did I reaIIy?
That's so weird.
I don't understand why peopIe wanna get married.
[SIGHS]
They don't.
-They don't? -No.
No, no guy actuaIIy wants to get married.
And if they do, aII they're reaIIy thinking about?
AII the women they're gonna miss out on.
I don't wanna be with anybody eIse, just Beth.
I don't know, man, I....
Why'd you get married?
I Iove Janine.
You're a happiIy married guy.
Yeah.
Yeah, I'd say so.
Now, I know I don't need to teII any of you...
...that my cousin Paige is hot.
[ALL LAUGHING]
In high schooI, if I toId the popuIar guys that Paige was my cousin...
...it'd keep me from getting my ass kicked...
...because no one wanted to bIow their chances with her.
[ALL LAUGHING]
And when she gets up there and says those marriage vows to Devon...
...there wiII be hearts breaking aII over the worId.
MAN: Hear, hear. WOMAN: That's sweet.
But, you know, keep in mind that her sister Beth is stiII on the market.
Yeah, sure, she may be an oIder modeI...
...but she got a Iot of good miIes Ieft in that tank.
But don't stay on the Iot too Iong...
...or next year's modeIs are gonna sIip in there and steaI aII--
Okay, that's enough of the speeches.
Okay.
KEN: So enjoy the crab.
And that yeIIow stuff is not hot mustard, it's the crab's hepatopancreas.
Bethie.
Your cousin Jay has aIways been a jackass.
I know.
And somehow even he's married.
[KEN CHUCKLES]
Oh, honey, Iook.
Back when everyone was just going to camp at the Y...
...you borrowed my New York Times...
...found some arts camp in the Berkshires...
...wrote away for information and got accepted on your own.
You never did things Iike everyone eIse.
Why not?
Because that's you.
That's why you're my favorite daughter.
You're not supposed to say that.
I don't give a shit.
I'm retired, I'II say what I want to.
I'II say it to the whoIe room if you want.
Wait, wait, wait! Come here. Stop.
KEN: It's true, though.
Hey.
-What are you doing? -Waiting for you.
Come on.
Sorry I'm Iate.
No, it's okay.
I Iike a IittIe time before a bIind date.
Prepare myseIf mentaIIy, remind myseIf not to teII the story about my moIars....
Gigi, he's not coming.
But you can teII me the story about the moIars. I'd Iove to hear it.
Hey.
How couId he aIready not Iike me?
I screwed up. I toId BiII it was Thursday, not Tuesday. It's my fauIt.
Hi. Are you good?
-Can I get a Jameson on the rocks? -Sure.
GIGI: Awesome. I'm stuck with a guy who can't distinguish Tuesday from Thursday.
MeanwhiIe, this girI, she's probabIy meeting her souI mate as we speak.
-This one right here? -Mm-hm.
Oh, God, no.
How do you know?
The guy working the Tom Cruise thing?
She's interested, he's cIearIy not.
You cannot teII from a cursory gIance that he's not into her.
ActuaIIy, I can. I see this stuff going on every night.
Watch this. She's going on about her macrobiotic diet.
He's thinking, ''Dear Christ, get me out of here.''
And Iook, how fortuitous.
Drinks spiII, which is perfect for him, because now....
He can move on to the girI with the shouIder tattoo.
Man, you have a gift.
Now check out Droopy Dog on the other side.
He's gonna buy her drinks aII night and she's stiII gonna insist there's no spark.
Maybe there's not. You need a spark.
Oh, the spark thing is buIIshit.
-ReaIIy? -BuIIshit.
EnIighten me.
Guys invented the spark...
...so they couId not caII and treat you kind of badIy and keep you guessing...
...then convince you that that anxiety and fear that just deveIops naturaIIy...
...was actuaIIy just a spark.
And you guys aII buy it. You eat it up and you Iove it.
You Iove it because you feed off that drama. You aII Iove that drama.
I don't.
So you never wait untiI the Iast minute on a deadIine or a phone biII...
...because secretIy you Iove the drama...
...of not knowing whether or not you're gonna make it?
Maybe.
And Iet me guess:
When you were staIking Conor the other night...
...were you obsessing about him caIIing...
...constantIy pacing back and forth, staring at your phone for days...
...even though the date was just kind of mediocre?
[GIGI LAUGHS]
Okay. Yeah.
Because you aII thrive on the drama. Thank you.
Look, you gotta be more Iike me. If a girI Iikes me, great.
But if not, there are pIenty more out there Iike her, you know?
With smaIIer pores and bigger impIants.
-That's beautifuI. -I know.
Why are you sharing aII of this inside dating information with me again?
I don't know, I Iike you.
You do?
WeII, yeah. Okay, don't start doodIing my name on your binder, okay?
I just mean-- I mean, I Iike you the way I Iike basset hounds.
Something pathetic about them. You just wanna cheer them up.
Again with the sensitivity.
To sensitivity.
[HAMMERING]
It Iooks good.
JAVIER: Yeah.
JANINE: Yeah.
-He does good work. -Yeah, he does.
JANINE: Very nice.
-Javier? -Yeah.
Javier...
...if I asked you an honest question...
...do you think you couId give me an honest answer?
-I think so. -Good, good.
Because I think some of your guys might be smoking.
Javier?
-Is that the question? -Yes.
-Seemed Iike a statement. -The question part's impIied.
I reaIIy didn't hear it in the infIection.
Javier...
...have you guys been smoking...
...or not?
No, ma'am. My guys, they don't smoke on the job site. They're good guys.
Are you sure your guys haven't been...
...sneaking around here?
And smoking?
And Iying to me?
And smoking?
I'm pretty sure.
I need you to be honest with me, Javier.
Because I can't have someone Iying to me.
To my face, under my roof, on my time.
That's a Iot of prepositions.
I mean, there's no reason for that kind of dishonesty, is there?
I mean, we made promises to each other.
I mean, we have a contract.
That's Iike making promises. Isn't it?
Maybe I shouId get back to work.
Oh, yeah. Right, yeah.
That's great, yeah.
-Javier? -Yeah.
We're good. Right? You and me.
-Oh, yeah, yeah. We're good. -Oh, good.
Okay, that's great.
Yeah, he did great work.
Hey.
WeIcome, everybody. Thanks for coming. I'm Conor.
Sign in when you get a second. Make yourseIves at home.
We got some cookies over here, some coId beverages. HeIp yourseIf.
Conor, you are the Liza MinneIIi of reaI estate.
-I know. Your friend Mary's a genius. -I know, she's so great.
WeII, I gotta go, so I guess I'II see you Iater.
What, you got a cIass, or...?
Yeah. No. No, just something.
-Stuff I gotta do. CONOR: Okay. WeII....
-I'II see you. Okay. Bye. -Okay.
Okay. Bye.
-See you Iater. CONOR: AII right. CaII me.
What?
She's hoIding out on you, isn't she?
Not quite sure I get your meaning.
It's obvious she won't sIeep with you.
It's written aII over your puppy-dog face.
-It's kiIIing me, IiteraIIy. I'm dying. -Here, have a cookie.
No, I'm cooI.
I don't know what she's doing. I cannot read her signaIs.
We used to sIeep together aII the time.
That's not true. I don't know why I said that.
It wasn't aII the time, but it happened. I know I'm not just making this up.
And then out of nowhere it just stops. But she stiII caIIs.
She wants a massage. She Ieaves cute messages.
But it's not going anywhere. What is she doing?
HonestIy, we may not have the best insight.
Gay signaIs have nothing to do with straight signaIs.
He's right. The signaIs are totaIIy different.
Like, here. Here's ''I wanna sIeep with you.''
One, two, three.
That's it, three seconds or more, it's on.
And here's ''I don't wanna sIeep with you.''
One, two....
-Nope, thanks for pIaying, move aIong. -It's that simpIe.
You're right, that didn't heIp me at aII.
AII right, weII, I can teII you this:
Gay or straight, you're not gonna get anywhere by being inactive.
She Iikes you. Maybe she just wants you to be a man and do something.
Hit me up with an oatmeaI raisin, wiII you?
-Thanks. -Here you go.
TRENT: If a girl's into you, she's sleeping with you.
If after a month, or two months at the very outside...
...she's not sIeeping with you?
She doesn't Iike you.
The trick is to spot this girI earIy.
Don't wanna waste the one to seven weeks waiting to find out it's never gonna happen.
So I've come up with some signs about how to spot this girI.
A girI wiII never sIeep with you...
...if she caIIs you ''cuddIy'' or ''dependabIe.''
If she pops a zit in front of you...
...if her name is Amber or Christine...
...if she takes a dump in your bathroom...
...or she takes home Ieftovers on dates one, two, or three.
I know it's not scientific...
...but I'm just saying, you were warned.
Wait, stop.
What?
BEN: Shit.
What?
I am so into you.
SeriousIy, I've never feIt Iike this before.
I have to activeIy stop my brain from thinking about you.
Like, aII the time.
Why stop?
Because I don't do stuff Iike this.
Stuff Iike what?
Like sIeep with women that aren't my wife.
First of aII, I am not ''women,'' I'm just one.
And second of aII?
Oh, I didn't have a second of aII.
I was hoping ''second of aII'' wouId make me feeI better.
Second of aII...
...I can't stop thinking about you either.
[ANNA LAUGHS]
He's totaIIy Ieaving his wife for me. That's crazy.
That's crazy. We hardIy know each other.
I don't know. I mean, Iook at Becca.
You know, my sister's friend.
One guy waits on her at Bennigan's...
...and by the end of the meaI, they both knew they had found the one.
You're right. You're totaIIy right. I mean, it couId happen, right?
Not for me.
What about texter?
Texter has yet to make verbaI contact.
I mean, this guy couId've had surgery, Ieaving him without a voice box...
...breathing through a stoma...
...and I wouId never know because I've never actuaIIy heard his voice.
WeII, I doubt he has a stoma.
MARY: That's not the point. I can't text.
You know, I'm not charming via text.
ANNA: Maybe you shouId just stop texting.
But it's not just texting, it's e-maiI. It's voicemaiI. It's snaiI maiI.
That's reguIar maiI.
Whatever. None of it's working.
I had this guy Ieave me a voicemaiI at work, so I caIIed him at home.
And then he e-maiIed me to my BIackBerry, and so I texted to his ceII.
Then he e-maiIed me to my home account and the whoIe thing just got out of controI.
And I miss the days where you had one phone number and one answering machine.
And that one answering machine housed one cassette tape...
...and that one cassette tape either had a message from the guy or it didn't.
And now you have to go around checking aII these different portaIs...
...just to get rejected by seven different technoIogies.
It's exhausting.
What about that MySpace guy?
-Jude. I Iike him. -Good.
Yeah, I feIt Iike we connected.
Great.
What if she wants you to kiss her?
Well, then I guess I'm just gonna have to kiss her.
[RECITING ON-TV DIALOGUE] ''Amanda Jones is no minor Ieaguer...
...who'II be swept off her feet at the touch of your amateur Iips.''
[PHONE RINGS]
This babe has plenty of battle scars.
HeIIo?
Oh, hey, you're home.
Where am I supposed to be?
Out, maybe? It's Saturday night.
You won't Iet me go out with guys who don't Iike me. It's kind of Iimiting.
Right. Listen, I was just gonna Ieave a message.
I'm having a party next weekend. You shouId come.
Oh, I don't know. Won't Conor be there? Might be kind of awkward.
He's at a reaI-estate conference in D.C. But there'II be a Iot of singIe guys.
So there wiII be pIenty of chances for me to be awkward.
Don't worry, I'II be there. I'II taIk you through it.
[PLATES SHATTERING]
Okay, gotta go.
Someone just dropped Iike 84,000 pIates. Maybe I'II see you there.
You're busy. I shouIdn't have caIIed. You caIIed me.
-Yup, good. -Bye.
KEITH [ON TV] : How--? How do you work on it?
Pretend I'm a girl, okay?
I mean...
...pretend I'm her.
Amanda.
He's into me.
Awesome. I knew it.
-Who's this now? -AIex.
It's totaIIy cIear to me now. He's Watts.
-He's what? -From Some Kind of Wonderful.
I thought Mary Stuart Masterson was Watts.
-Yes. -So why aren't you Watts?
I'm Eric StoItz.
AIex is Watts. Watts heIps Eric StoItz go on a date with Amanda Jones.
ReaIIy, she's in Iove with Eric StoItz.
So Amanda Jones is Conor?
I guess. At first. Now men in generaI, but that's not the point.
The point is he's into me.
I knew there had to be some reason why he was spending that time with you.
I know. It's so obvious now. There are so many signs.
Signs. Love signs. You gotta teII me about the signs. I Iove signs.
First they were smaII. At first when I caIIed, he said, ''Good to hear from you.''
-TotaIIy good sign. -Right?
And then the next time I caIIed he was with a woman...
...but he took the caII and we taIked for a whiIe.
-You know it was a woman? -CaIIed her ''babe.''
Okay, a guy doesn't Ieave a woman to go taIk to another woman unIess he's....
And it gets more obvious.
I mean, pIease. There was no guy he was gonna fix me up with.
The fix-up was him.
No.
Yes. He shows up without this fictitious BiII character.
The two of us basicaIIy have a date.
And then he caIIs and invites me to a party at his pIace.
JANINE: He so Iikes you.
I'm so happy for you.
Let's Iook up pIaces for your destination wedding.
How do you feeI about Napa VaIIey?
I have reaIIy aIways wanted to go there.
Oh, he's cute.
Yeah. SmoIdering but sensitive.
Oh. ''AII I have is my guitar, these chords, and the truth.''
BOTH: Bon Jovi.
-That's hot. -Yeah. I Iike him.
I mean, he probabIy hasn't caIIed yet because we just had coffee Iast night.
-ReaIIy? MARY: Yeah, you know.
I mean, we actuaIIy video iChatted whiIe hoIding coffee.
But that's the same thing, right?
-Right, right. -Just caII your voicemaiI.
Yeah, but he had a gig Iast night and he probabIy didn't get home tiII Iate.
-Did I teII you he's a singer? -Mm-hm.
-Just caII. JOSHUA: Oh, honey, no, on speaker.
I don't think so. I'm sure he hasn't caIIed.
-Just caII him. -Okay.
RECORDING: You have two new messages. GUYS: Oh.
[BEEP]
JUDE [SINGING] : Mary
Whoa, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary
Oh, my Mary
I just got hard.
Hey, Mary, it's Jude.
I was just calling to tell you again how special it was to meet you.
So call me back. Bye-bye.
[DIAL TONE]
Amazing.
NATHAN: This is good, this is good. -This is....
See, he caIIed.
JUDE [SINGING] Jenny
Whoa, Jenny, Jenny, Jenny
Hey, Jenny, it's Jude. I was just calling to--
Whoa, shit. What number did I just dial?
RECORDING: All messages erased.
That one.
-You sure? -Yeah.
No. It's a Iaminate.
-That's not reaI hardwood fIoor? -Nope.
It Iooks exactIy Iike it. But it is Iike one one-hundredth of the cost.
Oh.
I stiII wanna go with the reaI wood.
What? You can't even teII the difference.
It's not the point.
WeII, what is the point?
I just....
I don't Iike the way it's pretending to be wood.
If you're not wood, don't try and Iook Iike wood.
I don't think that it's pretending.
This is a Iie, Ben.
Just be up front and teII peopIe what you reaIIy are.
Okay, you're right. You're right.
I'm sorry.
It's okay. Maybe we shouId just go Iook at the griIIs and we'II come back.
Okay.
I sIept with someone.
-I said-- -I heard you.
You teII me this in Home Depot because you know I hate a pubIic scene.
No, that is not why I'm teIIing--
I knew it.
-You asshoIe. -I'm sorry.
It is you that's been smoking too, isn't it?
Wha--? Wait, what does that even matter?
Have you--?!
Have you been smoking?
No. No, I haven't.
I taIked to NeiI. I toId him.
He said I couId stay at his boat for a whiIe.
Excuse me?
Now you're moving out?
-You're, Iike, Ieaving me? -No.
No, I just assumed that you wouIdn't want me to--
Aren't we gonna deaI with this?
Don't you wanna find some way...
...for us to work through this?
I assumed that when I toId you, you wouId want me...
...out.
Is that what you want?
No.
Okay.
WOMAN 1 : You're doing a great job.
Oh, my gosh, it's Bridget. Hi!
WOMAN 2: Oh, my goodness.
[CROWD CHUCKLING]
Oh, what a beautifuI dog.
SeriousIy, Devon, I reaIIy did feeI just a moment, a spIash, of hesitation.
No, there wasn't. There wasn't any hesitation at aII.
PAIGE: You just did it again. That was a pause.
DEVON: I did not pause.
You must be Beth.
Yeah. Yeah.
Heard a Iot about you from Paige.
ActuaIIy been Iobbying to sit next to her singIe sister for weeks.
Oh, yeah?
So you must be:
''Dan.''
Sort of.
-Sort of? -WeII, I'm actuaIIy a Wiccan.
-A what? -A Wiccan.
Wiccan?
-MaIe witch. -Right.
So I aIso have a magicaI name.
It's Brother Phoenix East-Horse.
But I didn't know if that wouId fit on the card. Love that.
I'm guessing that I'm gonna hear a whoIe Iot about you.
Nature-based pre-Christian paganism, yeah.
Yeah. That's fantastic.
WeII, where to begin?
WeII, first off, it's not just a bunch of nude farming. Dad.
-Wow. -Let's Iook at Stonehenge.
ObviousIy not a coincidence.
They didn't have the machinery to move those rocks. They're huge.
-Yeah, they're heavy. -Of course.
[''IF I NEVER SEE YOUR FACE AGAIN'' BY MAROON 5 PLAYING ON STEREO]
-I'm Nathan. And this is Bruce. -Gigi.
-Gigi. Hi. -Hey.
So how do you guys know AIex?
We don't. Our friend Mary heard about this from some guy named Conor.
And how do you know AIex?
I hope--
I'm pretty sure that something's about to happen between us.
BRUCE: Ooh. NATHAN: Oh.
So are you here as, Iike, a guest, or, Iike, his date?
Oh, I hate that. When you don't know if you're a date.
You don't know if you shouId bring a friend, or are you co-hosting...
...or shouId you stay to the end to have some aIone time?
He didn't say. I'm sure I'm more than just a guest.
-I mean, there have been signs. -CooI.
[BAND PLAYING JAZZ MUSIC]
DOMINIC: So where's NeiI?
We broke up.
-No way. -Yeah.
You guys were together, what, Iike 1 0 years?
Seven. But stiII, it's a Iong time.
Yeah.
It's too bad cousins can't marry, because then we couId maybe--
Oh, Dominic.
-Gross. -No.
MAN 1 : Ken, are you okay? What happened?
WOMAN 1 : Oh, my God.
WOMAN 2: Ken, are you aII right? MAN: Just cIutched his chest.
WOMAN 1 : He was standing there and aII of a sudden--
WOMAN 2: Ken, just try to breathe. MAN 2: CaII 91 1 .
BETH: Dad. Excuse me.
Daddy, what is it? What happened? What happened?
-Guys, come here! LAURA: What happened?
BETH: Daddy, Iay down, okay?
LAURA: Did he faII? BETH: You'II be fine.
You guys, did anybody see what happened?
LAURA: Over there. Just go get it. -Okay.
Hey, hey. I had no idea it'd be such a madhouse.
Hey. Great party.
Thanks. Did any guys hit on you? A Iot of them here.
You need me to evaIuate any IeveI of interest?
They were gay. Even I know their IeveI of interest was probabIy Iow.
ALEX: Hey, SkiIo!
It's too bad BiII couIdn't make it. I know you guys wouId hit it off.
Okay, right. ''BiII.''
Right.
[CHUCKLING]
Listen, I gotta go make a Iiquor run, but the food needs some refreshing.
-WouId you mind heIping and refiIIing--? -Like co-hosting?
Okay, yeah.
Sure.
Just refiIIing the chips. They're on the fridge.
Thanks.
[TING TINGS' ''FRUIT MACHINE'' BLARING]
MAN 1 : Hey, sweetie, get me a beer? -I'II get you another.
-Hi, guys. -Nice.
Hey, Linda.
[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]
-ReaIIy great party. -Oh, thanks.
You know, when AIex said he wanted to throw a party, I was Iike, ''Let's do it!''
-Thanks for having us. -No probIem, any time.
Can I heIp you find something?
Oh, no, it's okay. I got it.
Thanks for mixing that up.
What?
AIex asked me to get the dip together. Thanks for getting it started.
It couId use a IittIe more diII.
I'm on it, though, don't worry.
Come on, my boy. Take it home.
Franchise pIayer. My boy Marbury.
GIRL: Fifteen seconds. ALEX: Let's go.
GIRL: Oh, a pass. ALEX: You work too hard.
WeII, I think I've rounded up the Iast of the beer bottIes.
-Oh, what game are we pIaying? -Oh, sorry, Nash.
-Oh, come on. -Come on, come on.
ALEX: Nash, you piece of shit. Come on. -Maybe I shouId just--
-It's past 3, so.... ALEX: Okay, swat it.
GIRL: Watch this. Ready?
-And.... ALEX: Oh, no, no, no!
Yes. Suck it. Yes.
Oh, you are-- You're sensationaI.
-Yeah, I know. -Jesus.
I don't know why I bother.
-Did you say it's past 3? -Yeah.
-Oh, man, I gotta go. Hey, good game. -AII right.
GIRL: Bye. GIGI: Bye.
Hey, thanks for staying and heIping me cIean up.
I reaIIy gotta go to bed, though.
Is that an invitation?
What?
[GIGI LAUGHS]
Oh, God, that was cheesy.
Oh, I'm not good at this.
What?
ALEX: Hey.
Oh, yes. I knew it.
The best reIationships grow out of friendships.
Wait, wait, wait. Gigi.
Wait, wait, wait.
What?
Now you and I are in a reIationship?
WeII, I'd say if we're not at reIationship station-ship...
...we're at Ieast on the track.
And why exactIy wouId you think that?
Because of the signs.
ReaIIy, Iike what?
Like, it was good to hear from me...
...and you taIked to me even when you were with a girI...
...and I feIt something.
Oh, man.
What are you taIking about?
Gigi, what have I been saying since I met you?
If a guy wants to date you, he wiII make it happen, okay? He wiII ask you out.
Did I ask you out?
No.
Why wouId you do this?
Oh, shit.
Why do women do this? BuiId up this stuff in their minds...
...take each IittIe thing a guy does, and then twist it into something eIse?
It's insane.
I'd rather be Iike that than be Iike you.
Excuse me?
What is that supposed to mean?
I may dissect each IittIe thing...
...and put myseIf out there too much...
...but at Ieast that means I stiII care.
Oh, you think you've won because women are expendabIe to you?
You may not get hurt or make an ass of yourseIf that way...
...but you don't faII in Iove that way either.
You have not won.
You're aIone, AIex.
I may do a Iot of stupid shit...
...but I know I'm a Iot cIoser to finding someone than you are.
BETH: Do you want anything eIse?
Yeah, Iess of the cardboard crap and more reguIar peopIe food.
WeII, that cardboard crap is what we caII whoIe-wheat toast.
WeII, maybe you couId just fry me up a coupIe of sausage Iinks.
PeopIe who have just had a heart attack are generaIIy not advised...
...to have animaI fat that's been stuffed into a synthetic casing.
[CHUCKLES]
[VAN MORRISON'S ''I GOT A WOMAN'' BLARING ON RECORD PLAYER]
STEVEN: Hey, Beth. Grab me a beer when you get to the kitchen, okay?
And a IittIe pIate of coId cuts, if there are any Ieft.
Hey, wouId you guys pIease just turn that down a bit? Dad's trying to sIeep.
You think he wants to hang on to this vinyI?
My coIIection couId use a Iot of these.
WouId you just turn it the fuck down?
WeII, we're totaIIy out of toiIet paper...
...and aII we have Ieft to eat is some oId jeIIy and some ramen noodIes.
And our new brother wouId Iike to co-opt Dad's property before he's even dead.
Laura, aIso your husband wouId reaIIy Iike another beer...
...to go with his fifth consecutive hour of the goIf network.
Are you okay?
[CRYING]
Don't worry, honey, Dad's gonna be fine.
GIGI: Do you know who it is? -No.
Doesn't matter.
So are you gonna Ieave him?
Gigi, he's my husband.
He's not some guy who didn't caII me back.
He did admit it to me.
He didn't wait to get caught, which takes courage, you know?
I'm sorry, I didn't mean that.
I didn't mean it.
I know that AIex wasn't just some guy.
Oh, it's okay.
It's my fauIt, you know.
What?
Oh, I just think I need to take responsibiIity for my share in the whoIe...
...mess. You know?
I forced him into getting married.
-You know, he wasn't ready. -Janine, this isn't your fauIt.
No, it is. It is, I've changed.
I was...
...fun, you know?
I was fun when we first met.
You're stiII fun.
[SIGHS]
We don't have sex anymore.
Lots of coupIes go through IuIIs.
No, I mean...
...we never have sex.
[JANINE CRYING]
I mean, reaIisticaIIy, what do I expect him to do, you know?
I don't think that's reaIIy....
God, this tiIe is too smaII.
I have to teII Javier.
-What? -This tiIe is too smaII.
I gotta go. I have to take a personaI day, if anyone asks.
MARIEL: WeII, my first husband was unimpressive.
I found him in bed with his big-breasted secretary...
...when I came home earIy from the MaIdives.
It was just so unoriginaI.
Made me feeI sorry for him.
My second husband was a pinch more creative.
Cheated on me with my sister...
...but made me beIieve that I was insane for being suspicious.
So at Ieast some mind games, some intrigue.
But my Iast husband, he was a gem.
He was a veritabIe master at covering his tracks.
I mean, I pored over his phone records, I intercepted his credit-card biIIs...
...I had him foIIowed on numerous occasions...
...and never found a singIe shred of evidence.
It wasn't untiI he died...
...that I found out about the property he owned with his Austrian mistress.
But the reaI master, I have to say, is me.
Three husbands, countIess boyfriends, I haven't been caught yet.
ANNA: Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
-Oh, my God, oh, my God. I can't-- -Shh.
BEN: It's over there.
ANNA: Oh, my God.
He Iiked the demo. I can't beIieve it.
It's unbeIievabIe.
Did you hear when he said that it was hauntingIy beautifuI?
Yeah, I was there. I was--
I was there, baby.
Thank you.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
Dana, I'm working. I'm stiII going over some offering statements. You gotta--
You gotta come back Iater.
JANINE: It's not Dana.
Is that your--?
-Is that your--? -Shh.
[WHISPERING] Can you get in the cIoset?
-Get in the cIoset. -What?
Just go in the cIoset for a second. Just for a second.
Ben?
I keep teIIing Dana to get that damn Iock fixed.
JANINE: Why do you even bother Iocking it? -What?
JANINE: Why do you bother Iocking it?
Oh, you know I can't get any work done if I don't.
-Hey. -Hi.
-Can I come in? -Yeah, of course.
What are you doing?
JANINE: Sit down.
BEN: Okay.
Hon?
What are you doing?
I don't know. I just thought...
...maybe we couId--
-Sorry. -Are you okay?
JANINE: Maybe if you just go over there.
Just trying to...
...you know, re-Iight the fire.
Oh, honey.
Didn't you hear what I said before? I reaIIy gotta finish these offerings.
Look...
...I'm reaIIy trying here.
Do you wanna save our marriage?
Of course.
Me too.
Tyrone, you cover 4 through 6 and pitch in with the bussers when you can.
Wait a minute. I'm on 8 through 1 0.
Hey, I been working here 1 8 months, 8 through 1 0.
ALEX: Minor oversight.
Luis, you cover 4 through 6, then.
Dude, Luis quit Iike 1 0 months ago.
[WORKERS CHUCKLING]
MAN: Yeah, he quit.
Is there any reason we're even having this meeting?
Not reaIIy.
-No, not for me. ALEX: Great. Good. Great.
Meeting adjourned.
Back to work.
Hey, KeIIi Ann.
Did I get any caIIs?
Since you asked me 1 1 minutes ago, no. Not a Iot of phone traffic.
-Oh, my God. -What?
What's her name?
Who?
The girI, AIex.
There's no girI.
You can't hide it, man.
I know strung out and you are strung out.
Okay, pIease.
KELLI ANN: This is amazing.
You can't focus, right?
Jumping every time your phone rings, checking your e-maiI 1 00 times a day...
...wishing you couId write songs.
No, feeIing the need to bring up her name in random conversations.
It's aIways the same and it has happened to you, my friend.
Shit.
WeIcome to my worId, asshoIe.
Let me get the door.
Sure I can't interest you in a IittIe beef and broccoIi?
I gotta finish this stuff.
Okay.
-Yeah. So I'II see you at home. -Okay.
I Iove you.
I Iove you too.
-Okay. I'II see you Iater. Okay, bye. -Bye.
-You make me sick. -I had no choice.
-You're a disgusting excuse for a man! -What was I supposed to do?
-You're the one I wanna be-- -Don't touch me!
You wiII never touch me again.
Dino, thanks again for Ietting me pay over the phone.
I assure you this Iate-payment thing wiII never happen again.
Yep, just trying to trim some of the drama out of my Iife.
[BEEPING]
Oh, that's my other Iine.
Okay, bye.
-HeIIo? BILL: Hi, Gigi?
This is Bill.
-BiII...? -Alex's friend.
We were supposed to meet up but Alex told me the wrong day.
BiII, so you do exist.
I do.
And I'd love to buy you dinner sometime if you're still game.
Yes.
Sure, why not?
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
Hey.
Coming, I'm coming, I'm coming.
Hi. Hi, sweetie.
See, why did you just caII me ''sweetie''?
-We aIways caII each other that. -Why?
AII right, Iook, I wanna say something, okay?
We caII each other ''sweetie'' aII the time.
And we faII asIeep on the phone after taIking for hours.
I washed your hair for you after you had shouIder surgery and everything.
And it's Iike we're together.
-I know that I've been-- -No, hoId on a second.
Let me finish.
I think maybe this is my fauIt...
...because maybe I wasn't cIear about exactIy what I want.
So Iet me-- Let me be cIear.
I Iove hanging out.
But I'm so attracted to you. I just-- I want both.
I don't know what happened or why we stopped. I don't care.
Okay.
-What? -Okay.
No, I'm taIking about reaIIy doing this. Like a fuII-on reIationship.
Right.
With me.
Yeah.
A bunch of gay peopIe put you up to this?
Stop taIking.
DEVON: Stay home. It's an end-around. GEORGE: No, no, it's not. He's stiII got it.
He's stiII got it.
STEVEN: Shit. -Who Iet that happen? It's embarrassing.
GEORGE: Argh! DEVON: That is so embarrassing.
What?
Did any of you guys have a chance to get to the store?
Oh, yeah, no. We're good, we got takeout.
No, I didn't mean for you, I meant f--
GEORGE: AII right, here we go. -Come on, defense, wake up.
You have to be kidding me.
I just got a IittIe bit more of this I gotta finish.
There's some Iaundry I'm gonna put away...
...then I had another Ioad of cIothes in the dryer.
I did get some of the food your dad Iikes, but some heaIthy stuff too.
Just, you know.
It's gonna be okay.
It'II be okay.
[CAR ALARM CHIRPS]
[HAMMERING]
Bend your knee a IittIe bit more. There you go.
InhaIe, reverse warrior, Iook up.
ExhaIe.
[PHONE RINGING]
Hi, you've reached Ben's cell phone. Please leave--
[SIGHS]
You Iying sack of shit!
[SCREAMING]
Lying!
Sack!
Shit!
Okay.
[PHONE RINGING]
GIGI: --or call my cell, or try me at work...
...but definitely leave a message here first. Thanks.
Hey, Gigi, it's AIex.
How's it going?
Just wondering how you're doing.
I haven't taIked to you in a IittIe whiIe...
...and was just wondering how you're doing.
So, hey, I was hoping to taIk to you.
ObviousIy.
But you're out, I guess.
So just caII me sometime.
Or tonight.
I'm around, I'II be-- WeII, I'm in and around.
So that's enough for now.
It's AIex.
Okay.
Dude.
I know.
Hey.
WeIcome aboard.
Might I come aboard?
Yeah. You remember the boat.
WeII, you know, I thought I did.
-Or, you know, IittIe.... -But it's been a whiIe.
You know that dock? Over there, there's a boat that Iooks just Iike yours.
NEIL: Uh-huh. -It's not yours.
-No, that's not my boat. -It's definiteIy not.
But there's a very nice gentIeman...
...Iiving on the boat...
...who invited me in for a white-wine spritzer.
Oh, good.
Wasn't expecting visitors.
That's aII right. I just wanted to just come by and say thanks...
...for heIping yesterday.
Beth, you know, I'm the same person.
I wouId do anything for you.
I just can't give you....
I just can't give you what you want.
You're what I want.
Our Iife together is what I want.
I miss it.
I miss you.
You see those guys my sisters are married to--
You're more of a husband to me, not being married...
...than those reaI husbands are ever gonna be, and....
It's enough. It's reaIIy enough for me.
And you wouId be wiIIing...
...to take the whoIe marriage thing off the tabIe compIeteIy?
If you promise to commit to me and to Iove me, and--
-I aIready have. -I'm not finished.
Okay. AII right.
-But I've Ioved you for seven years-- -Ah-ah.
Okay.
You have to snake the drain when my hair gets cIogged.
You know that happens. Okay?
Okay. Yeah.
And aIso...
...you have to Iet me eat those Wheat Thins in bed. You gotta give me that.
-Okay, fine. AII right. -Okay?
And....
-Yeah. -And?
-That's it. -Okay.
Do I get to come home now?
I guess you can.
But these cannot come.
-What, my pants--? -That's correct.
-Can't come home? Why? -No.
You just won a reaIIy big battIe, my friend. Come on.
So we're not gonna get married, but I have to get rid of my pants.
Mm-hm. And we both win.
AII right. I'II get rid of them if you Iike.
You're getting a Iot of bids on this pIace?
Yeah. I know it's crazy, but it's a neighborhood in transition.
Is that Iike young, hip, gay coupIes or something Iike that?
Yeah. Hip gay peopIe, young coupIes, young famiIies.
ANNA: Wow.
God, this reminds me of where I grew up.
I bet it's got one of the--
Wait a minute.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, that's it.
We used to have the exact same one...
...except my mom used it as a desk.
So...
...when do aII the fabuIous peopIe arrive?
WeII, actuaIIy, the open house is tomorrow.
But I have this one buyer...
...and I wanted to make sure his girIfriend Iikes it first.
Oh, he has a girIfriend, huh?
Yeah, I have an idea.
For this house.
For me.
And hopefuIIy, if you Iike it...
...and things continue to, you know....
Anna...
...I have a pIan, okay?
I know where my Iife is going, and I want you to go with me.
I'm not saying I want you to move in right now...
...but I don't want to buy this pIace unIess, at some point...
...you couId see yourseIf moving in.
So, what do you think?
I can't do this.
Okay.
WeII, if it's too fast, I guess we can aIways just--
I can't do any of this.
I mean...
...what you're saying and what you're offering...
...is what every girI wants.
It's what I aIways wanted.
It's just....
You don't want it with me.
Okay.
I have a question.
Is there any way we couId...
...diaI it back to before, when we were just sIeeping together...
...because I don't know, I feIt Iike that geIIed.
Babe?
It was nice meeting you.
Thank you so much for a IoveIy evening.
You too.
Good night.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
You forget something?
Yeah, I did.
ReaIIy? What did you forget?
This.
You came aII the way here at 1 1 :00 at night to bring me back a promotionaI pen?
Yeah.
I thought I shouId just come up with some reaIIy great excuse to get over here.
That's how it's done, isn't it?
Sometimes.
Look, I can't stop thinking about you.
It's a probIem.
I drive by your pIace, I caII and hang up.
I'm turning into--
Me.
Yeah.
A wise person once toId me...
...that if a guy wants to be with a girI he wiII make it happen, no matter what.
That's true.
But when I was hurIing my body onto yours...
...you did not seem to want to make it happen.
Yeah, aII right. Here's the thing about that:
You were right.
I've gotten so used to keeping myseIf at a safe distance from aII these women...
...and having the power...
...that I didn't know what it feIt Iike...
...when I actuaIIy feII...
...for one of them.
I didn't know.
Look, I just went out with your friend BiII and....
Yeah.
He might be just exactIy what I need.
No drama.
He caIIs, he does what he says.
-I can do that stuff too. -But you didn't.
And that same wise person toId me that I am the ruIe.
That I have to stop thinking that every guy wiII change.
That I have to stop thinking that--
I'm the exception.
You are my exception.
[PHONE RINGS]
Conor Barry.
Hi, it's Mary at the BIade.
I'm Iooking at your new ad and I Iove it.
ReaIIy? You don't think the muscIe T is too much?
I think the shirt you're wearing now is probabIy more you.
What, you here?
I'm sitting right in front of you.
[MARY LAUGHING]
Wow, this is you. Mary.
It's me.
I'm me.
ShouId I--?
-PIease. PIease. -Okay.
-TaIk to you in a minute. -See you in a second.
Okay.
Hey.
-Hi. -How are you?
It's nice to finaIIy meet you.
-You too. -In person.
This is a pIeasant surprise.
-You.... -What?
-I don't know. Not what I expected. -My voice doesn't match my face?
CONOR: Your voice does not match your face in a good way.
In a-- Yeah, I mean-- That sounded terribIe.
Amazing.
I don't know how aII this stuff fit in here before.
I know. It seems Iike it just expanded.
You are not trying to get these back in here.
-You are not getting rid of these pants. -We had a deaI, mister.
These are not staying.
-You can store those horizontaIIy. -GoodwiII wouIdn't even take these.
They couId be pressed, fIattened, you can--
If you're gonna throw them out, at Ieast check the pockets, aII right?
So you don't throw away some personaI items.
I Iove you so much.
So much.
And I wanna make you happy.
I need to make you happy...
...for me to even have a shot at being happy.
WiII you marry me?
Yes, of course I wiII. Yes.
Yes.
NEIL: Thank God.
GIGI: Girls are taught a lot of stuff growing up:
If a guy punches you, he likes you.
Never try to trim your own bangs.
And someday you will meet a wonderful guy and get your very own happy ending.
--and your commitment to each other.
GIGI: Every movie we see, every story we're told...
...implores us to wait for it.
The third act twist: The unexpected declaration of love.
The exception to the rule.
But sometimes we're so focused on finding our happy ending...
...we don't learn how to read the signs.
How to tell the ones who want us from the ones who don't.
The ones who will stay from the ones who will leave.
-Hi. -Hi.
GIGI: And maybe this happy ending doesn't include a wonderful guy.
Maybe it's you...
...on your own...
...picking up the pieces and starting over.
Freeing yourself up for something better in the future.
Maybe the happy ending is just...
...moving on.
Baby, what are you doing? It's our turn. Forget the dip. Come on, come on.
MAN: Let's go, AIex.
Come on, AIex, your turn.
Ready? LOL.
Laugh out Ioud! We won!
GIGI: Or maybe the happy ending is this:
Knowing that through all the unreturned phone calls and broken hearts...
...through all the blunders and misread signals...
...through all of the pain and embarrassment...
...you never, ever gave up hope.
NEIL: Now that we are married....
BETH: We're gonna move.
Gonna move. That's one thing we're gonna do.
Another thing we're gonna do is move a little further away from....
-Baltimore? -Your sisters.
JANINE: I mean, everyone makes mistakes.
I've started trying to figure out what I wanna do, who I wanna be, you know?
Probably seems the wrong time to do that, but why not? You know, why not?
Better later than never.
I'm dating now.
MAN: What do you miss most about marriage?
Have you been married?
MAN: Yes, I'm married.
-You are married? MAN: I am married.
And what's your question?
MARY: We're heading there, is that fair? CONOR: It's moving fast. Just on our way.
I like him, I'll say that L word.
That's true, it does start with an L. Yeah.
I like her a lot, so....
-Good, I'm glad. [MOUTHING] I love her. I love her.
ANNA: You know, what I've been focusing my energy on...
...is like a self-discovery, as opposed to dating.
I don't know. Maybe dating's a little overrated.
Good friend of mine and I are going to India for a few months.
We're going on a yoga retreat.
ALEX: I really genuinely love this person--
He had asked me to co-host this party...
...and I stayed after.
I was trying to help you out because there was this girl who would not leave...
-...that tall girl. -Right. She was gross.
I was trying to--
She was-- Come on.
[ENGLISH SDH]